on being Panamanian, two women's stories.

I located my birth certificate! Beyond just being freaked out that I had lost the original copy of my birth certificate, I was sad that I would not be able to get a cedula (Panamanian ID card). If it does take 30 days, I am not cutting it VERY close, as my friend E told me today that I have 40 days left here. *sad face*

sidenote: the other day an interviewee told me I need to "hurry up and get my cedula before I turn 18." she thought I was under 18? really? how can I leave this place??  lol

Being Panamanian, or "Panamanian" has made this project easier, in my opinion. I really cannot think of anyone on this country who has not smiled at me or accepted me as part of the "us" after learning that my father is Panamanian... and even better, that I have family here. The warmth I have received from scholars, interviewees, taxi drivers, and family members made my transition much smoother. And will make my departure much more difficult. I feel very comfortable here not just in my work, but as a person living in this country.  I came back to  Panama after an emotional week in the US in May to emails welcoming me "home."  Although I speak Spanish slowly and with an American accent, I have always felt feel included.

Sometimes people think I am a Panamanian who has lived too long in the US. Sometimes they think I was born here, raised there. Some think I was born and raised here, but to English speaking parents (or at least one English speaking parent) One taxi driver angrily asked me, in reference to my accent, "what are you?! half American?!!" He really did yell at me lol. de hecho... Yes I am. Thanks for asking.

When I went to Miraflores observation center with Fenaba during her visit, one of the tour guides remembered me from our Fulbright visit! He kept calling me Miss Panama and claiming that I spoke better Spanish than he did (totally untrue lol), telling me to come say goodbye before I leave for good, or rather that I should just stay forever lol.  Granted there were only 2 black women in our Fulbright group (that is for another day!)... but  I can't imagine how many visitors that center receives and 2 months after our visit he still remembered me on site. That is how Panama has been to me. warm. welcoming.

I am treated BETTER because I am Panamanian.

So it surprised me to hear a different story. Below is an excerpt from an interview. I recognize that this woman and I use the city completely differently, that we occupy two different economic classes, different age brackets, and that we are here for different reasons. These differences matter. I still think it is important to highlight, though, that where I see being Panamanian as a perk, she sees it as a burden.

________

My husband  will quickly tell them that I am Panamanian. I hesitate. Because I do get treated differently and he doesn’t get that. Because people, when they hear I am Panamanian, they want to know, why if I think I am better than they are because I look black. And then I am driving a nice car. I live in a nice neighborhood. And so what makes you different from me? 

and I did get treated differently when I was trying to do my own placa (license plate). And I wasn’t going up there being snotty because I don’t really speak a lot of Spanish compared to the way they speak, especially when I first got here. And so I wasn’t trying to make any waves; I just needed my plates. And I was coming from the US as a retiree, so I knew I had certain rights. And they- people would say well you need to go here, you need to go there, and they would just say it. And where is there? Well, how can I tell you? How come you don’t know? You’re Panamanian.  Well I never lived here. I left here when I was four. And I found that I got treated differently because I was Panamanian.

I even had a guy not let me in the bank as a jubilado one Friday. I had to go to banco nacional to pay the tax on my car that I was deported(importing?). And they sent me across the street. And it was a pay Friday. And there were people out the door. And it was hot and sunny. So I walk up, and I said I was going on the jubilado (retired) line, which of course there were like 2 people on the line and no one waiting to get there. And this young guy, looked like he was about 20, said no you can’t go in there. And I said excuse me, I am a jubilado. And I pulled out my cedula and he said no! and my age was on there. So then I pulled out my Maryland driver’s license and he looked at it and said, “ok now you can go in there.”  

So I get treated differently when people think I am a Panamanian. He’s an American and they treat him differently. And he is a man. So he thinks he is doing something by saying my wife is Panamanian. And I don’t find that amusing because it puts me in a different category. Maybe not him. But it puts me in a differently light.