I am at home today, organizing, planning, cleaning, grocery shopping and such. Before I get started on my administrative day, (but after my coffee and breakfast of course) I figured a blog entry is appropriate. I have not been blogging as much because many of the issues make me emotional, and thus take longer to get out and edit than I would like. This is not polished, but true nonetheless.
One of the things that bothers me/pisses me off/surprises me most during this fieldwork experience is the liberty men feel in talking about my appearance. I am not talking about men on the street. I am talking about the people I interview.
Please keep in mind that all of my interviewees were born in 1960 or earlier.
A man claimed at various times during our interview that I remind him of his daughter, although she is older than I am. He asked if I could get him a cup of water, located on the other side of the restaurant. He walks with a limp. How can I say no? Well, obviously I should have because I return to the following comment: “The Hottentots Venus has nothing on you.”
One man has called me “bellisima” or “beautiful lips” when he calls. Every time we meet he tells me I am pretty in some form or fashion.
I can’t even get into the livid exchange I had (well I was angry. He was not) with a man who essentially told me as an intelligent and attractive woman I owed it to the world to have a baby, and soon. Asked me if I was taking contraceptives. Asked me if I am sexually active. And told me if I didn’t want to take care of a baby while I traveled and did my dissertation, I should have it, leave it with the father, and come back if I chose to later, or not come back at all. He believes I am trapped by my own idealism about families and need to let that go and … do what he says I guess? Here I was thinking I am a person with a right to make my life how I choose. Thanks for reducing me to a vehicle through which a new person can enter the world. Should I be barefoot as well, or may I continue to wear shoes as I pursue my PhD?
Before we began our interview, one man excused himself for yawning. “I don’t sleep well at night. I only sleep well after I make love, after I have good sex. I didn’t last night so excuse me for being a little tired.” Again, is all of that detail necessary? Would you say that in a professional meeting?? Would you want some man to speak to your daughter like that?
The post is inspired by Wednesday morning’s interviewee who, out of nowhere, told me I would look better if I had dreadlocks (my hair was straight at the time. I will probably make a post about the different reactions to my hair when it is curly versus when it is straight, but that is another emotional issue that I need to harness first)
IN A PROFESSIONAL CONTEXT, or any context if we want to be totally honest, WHY DO THESE MEN FEEL COMFORTABLE AND JUST IN MAKING UNINVITED COMMENTS ABOUT MY APPEARANCE, MY SEXUALITY, OR THEIRS? I take my work very seriously. I take my project seriously. If I am asking you about political events and economic realities, why are you, in turn, responding about how I should have children, or how I should wear my hair? Why can’t you just say “thank you” for the water, rather than comment on the size of my ass. I consider it the ULTIMATE disrespect and get especially pissed when these men claim to “honor” or “love” black women. I know they do not consider it disrespectful (yes. I asked. Accused. Yelled. Protested.) I also know that my fieldwork walks a thin line between personal and professional. “we” Panamanians. “we” Blacks. “Our” community. I do not trivialize the fact that many, if not all, if my interviewees include me in those pronouns and that my access to them has everything to do with my color, my father’s place of birth, and perhaps my appearance. My acceptance into their imagined community should not mean I am subject to their ascetic judgment. They would never say these comments if my father was present. They probably wouldn't say them if ANYONE else was present. But in these one-on-one contexts, their characters are revealed.
Female professors constantly receive course evaluations that comment on their hairstyles, frequency of smiles, clothing much more so than male professors. At every turn, women are judged on how they look. Think about how YOU speak to the women who cross your path.
DEAR OLDER BLACK MEN WHO HAVE AGREED TO TAKE PART IN MY DISSERTATION RESEARCH PROJECT, YOU NEED TO TAKE A LONG, HARD LOOK AT HOW YOU SPEAK TO WOMEN OF ALL AGES AND THINK: IS THAT HOW I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO MY WIFE, DAUGHTER, NEICE, GRANDDAUGHTER, SISTER, MOTHER? I don’t care what your intentions are. I do not appreciate it and I do not like it. I should have not to tell you this more than once either. I am judged by people every day in every way. I do not need it from you too. Respect me. Keep your opinions about my appearance to yourself. Sincerely, Ariana Curtis
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