“The key to change... is to let go of fear.”

I don't think I am afraid of many things. But there are definitely things that make me more than just "uncomfortable". Bugs. large animals. snakes. More relevantly, speaking to large crowds of strangers and speaking to large crowds in Spanish. I teach classes. That is ok. I am always nervous, but I am prepared. I do not like people looking at me.(as I explained in an earlier post) so you can imagine how uuuggghhhgh giving speeches makes me feel.

I love when people tell me my Spanish is good or any degree thereof. One woman said, "Your Spanish is excellent!" and I will now love her forever. I love that people think I am from Panama (unless there are Cubans around, in which case they think I am Cuban. I don't understand why) even after I open my mouth. I think my Spanish is functional with a strong American accent.

So one day after speaking for hours with the director for the Center of Panamanian Women, in Spanish, she said, "we are having an event next week at the University. You should be on the panel and say a few words."
Full of the good spirit that comes from a productive meeting I said, "Sure!"

Then I realized what I committed to and I freaked out.

I continued to freak out for days, until I realized that I never heard from her again. *sigh of relief* And I relaxed.

Then I received this:

Centro de la Mujer Panameña  (CEMP)

y  la

Red de Mujeres Afropanameña (REMAP)

Nos complace mucho extenderle una cordial invitación al

FORO

“Empoderamiento e Identidad de las Mujeres Afrodescendientes: Retos y Oportunidades”,

.

"AÑO INTERAMERICANO DE LAS MUJERES"

5 de agosto de 2010       5:30 p.m.

Auditorio de Administración Pública de la Universidad de Panamá.

(frente al Hospital del Seguro Social)

Objetivo: 

Visibilizar la realidad de la mujer afrodescendiente,

su identidad étno-racial y de género.

Panelistas :

Dra. Ariana Alyce Curtis : 

“Genero,  Raza  e Identidad Cultural”

Antropóloga.  Departamento de Antropología,  Area de Raza, Género  y  Justicia  Social de  la  American University en Washington,  D.C.

Dr. Carlos Minott,  

Proyecto “Derechos Humanos para Pueblos Afrodescendientes”

Oficina del Alto Comisionado para los Derechos Humanos de las Naciones Unidas, con la temática: Una Mirada a los Derechos Humanos de los Pueblos Afrodescendientes.

Lic Markelda Montenegro de Herrera,  

“Política de Equidad de Género y Mujeres Afrodescendientes”

Directora del Instituto Nacional de la Mujer con la temática: Inclusión de las Mujeres Afrodescendientes en las políticas públicas para la Equidad de Género en Panamá.

Dra.  Alma Jenkins Acosta,   

“Mecanismos para la inclusión de las mujeres afrodescenientes

en el Sistema de Naciones Unidas”

Oficial de Programas Multipaís e
Iniciativas con Pueblos Indígenas y Afrodescendientes
UNICEF TACRO

Licda. Janina Walters,  

Mujer Afro identidad y Expresión Cultural.

Directora de la Fundación Arnold Walters   y  Red de Mujeres Afropanameñas REMAP.

Then I REALLY freaked out.(no, I am not a doctor yet. one day soon!) I wanted to back out. I wanted to come down with something suddenly. I did not want to give a 15 minute talk to a room full of strangers in Spanish.
But it was too late to back out, as I received this email the day of the event. I went to do an interview that morning, came home and wrote something. I read it out loud (a few times really) and just had to go with it.  What was the worst that could happen, I asked myself.
No one would understand me. No one would listen. No one would care. They wouldn't like what I had to say and I would never be invited again. Nothing grave, right? so I sucked it up and left.

at least I was wearing one of my favorite dresses and my favorite black pumps. If no one understood my words, they at least had to respect my outfit :)

Here is the scene:

I obviously do not have pictures of myself on the panel. I should ask for some though.
anyway:

it was GREAT!! Really really great and I am so happy I did it!

I spoke about some of my experiences in this project where women did not want to be interviewed because they didn't think they had anything to contribute but instead referred me to their husbands. I spoke about a particular project I reviewed where the female principle investigator asked the interviewees a number of questions about their father but nothing about their mothers. My message was that although oral histories and informal sharing are important, we cannot neglect our own voices in the official academic record, and that as members of society, we do not have to wait for works specifically about women or specifically about blacks and/or black women to lend our experiences.

I also spoke about my fear of public speaking in Spanish, but that no one else had these experiences that I just spoke of and I would be a hypocrite if I was not willing to share them : )

I heard "si. asi es" "asimismo es". "exacto!" while I was speaking. that really relaxed me. Although I was the only panelist that read from the podium, I think the audience appreciated that I had a message and a [concise] point. (the person who spoke before me went on for 30+ minutes...)

Many women came up to me after the event was over to congratulate me, to share stories, to ask for my contact information.

While I did not say anything earth shattering, I was sooooooo proud of myself for getting up there and saying anything at all. I tripped over my words a few times, but no more than I do in English.

The next day the US embassy somehow learned that I took part and scolded me for not telling them. They wanted to come and bring the embassy photographer and everything. I am happy they didn't! lol I would have been embarrassed.

Now that public speaking in Spanish is something I have done (successfully!) it is something I know I can do. Sooooo that was my fear. and that is how I triumphed!