on leaving.

...I sit here, staring at my suitcases, wondering how I can solve this puzzle using as little money as possible...

My energy is nervous excitement.
(and hunger. I am down to the end of my food and eating it sparingly is not working for me right now).

I am not excited to leave. I thoroughly enjoy my life here. I do what I want, within reason, when I want to do it, within the constraints of other people's schedules and tasks of necessity. I have a lot of freedom. I also have a lot of self-discipline. I think I could have done more. I could have been better at managing my schedule, done more interviews, written more, changed some things, blah blah, etc etc. Hindsight is 20-20.

I did over 50 interviews. Most of them took more than one sitting. Each sitting is an average of 2 hours. that is a LOT. I am ready for the next challenge: analysis and writing.

I am not excited to leave but I want to leave. Being in Panama means I am in "the field", which means I am not analyzing or writing, which means I am not any closer to completing my dissertation. You feel me??

leaving Panama => dissertation progress => closer to getting that PhD => closer to having a real life + real salary =? maybe coming back to Panama. ?

I need to be outside of this context to better reflect and understand this context.

I am also more than fed up with my roommates so I am ready to live alone! (again).
at 9:30am on Sunday, I will be back in the United States. for good? only time will tell *wink*